A Move Towards Ordinary

If you asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up , I don't think I much cared about what it was that I was going to BE. What mattered more,  is that I surpassed "ordinary" and

became one with what it meant to be Extraordinary. 

I don't know where this came from or why, but it's always been.

It seems after 40 years of living,  extraordinary and I are close friends now.  I have pushed in as many ways as possible to hit that place in everything i do or at least aim for that -- perhaps I have even forced extraordinary to be in my life even when I didn't care much for her to be around and maybe she wanted to have no part of me, but she always shows up. She is a part of how I walk on , over and around the Earth and I am familiar with her every reaction --for my action to be close to her. 

I hear words embracing my creativity , my see and sprout project is,  paintings, my business, writing --all of it. I should feel overwhelming GRATITUDE,  however presently , I feel  this blank feeling when i hear it because i think deep inside I dont get it, or really get it, and what it means really at all, I have no idea what it means to be anything but what I am, and maybe I should explore the other ways of being.

I am honored BEYOND honored to know those I love appreciate my efforts, and those I dont know as well. I think today right now as I walk through being in a place and time where there is soooo much uncertainty , about my business, finances, the goals for see & sprout, my writing, art , or whatever is next.

 

I simply feel tired. tired of the fast train I've been on towards the land of extraordinary and I want to break up with it just for now until I feel ready to take her on with all of my being again.

My being is tired. 

very very tired

and spent 

and maybe even broken.

I want to be UNextraordinary.

I want to ignore every magical idea that slips into my head

do nothing 

about anything

do nothing relating to things that have to date made me more than ordinary.

turn off the extraordinary switch and just be regular.

i want the look of expectation in peoples eyes to slip away for today 

the requests for creativity to just be quiet for a little bit.

and let me think.

or maybe even not think at all.

I want to just be.